Life was never so
simple as when the Holy Crusader faced down evil in Gotham City. No
matter the villain…The
Riddler, The Penguin, The Joker…Batman always defeated his enemy.
Batman, my hero.
He knew what evil looked like, and he went after it with a
vengeance. He chased, he sped, he dashed and crashed. And when he
finally had his hands on the dastardly villain, he knew how to
fight…BANG! SLAM! POW*!#/*
The NFL could
take a few lessons from Batman. Once billed as wholesome family
entertainment, it has made itself a haven for filth. Janet’s bra
snaps and the best Commissioner Tagliabue can do is say he was
“extremely disappointed.” Nicolette’s towel drops and the NFL calls
the incident “inappropriate.” Slap, punch, crunch and cry! Holy
Indignation, Batman!
The NFL has
spawned The Refrigerator, Iron Man, The Boomer, and The Purple
People Eaters. So tell me one thing. Where is all this
testosterone when you need it…in the corporate board room…facing
down the porn producers intent on degrading the last bastion of
wholesome family entertainment?
Does anyone need
to remind the good Commissioner of Football City that he owns ABC on
Monday nights? Why, after $550,000 in fines and the screams from
millions of angry moms and dads, did Terrell Owens think he could
get a pass from his employer for this stunt?
Let’s say we
actually believe Janet’s story, her “accident” was an instantaneous
gaff in front of the camera where there was no time to turn away.
We’re shocked. Tongues wag. We decry and shout and hammer the
table. No more! Slam, Bang!
But what about
Nicolette’s story? Planning a commercial takes months and involves
hundreds of people. From top to bottom, ABC and NFL, commissioners,
writers, cameramen, lighting directors, film editors and towel
distributors are involved in concocting a 30-second strip tease.
Not to mention Terrell’s bragging rights in the locker room.
Where is Batman
when we need him? Ka-Crash! Ka-Bam! Ka-Pow!
We have lost the
ability to be indignant at the moments of decision when the “right
decision” is possible. At any point in the process of filming this
locker room seduction scene, even one person with good sense and
courage could have shut down this assault on America.
If the NFL had
learned anything at all from SuperBawdy XXXVIII, Terrell, his agent,
his coach, and his friends wouldn’t have given one wink to the idea
of Terrell wrapping his arms around a naked girly-girl on prime time
national television.
Hey, Commissioner
T, take a lesson from another guy in tight tights. Batman wasn’t
just “disappointed” when The Joker hit Gotham. He was enraged!
Batman left no
stone unturned in his battle to save the city. Using everything at
his disposal…Batgadgets, Batlab, Batcave, and Batmobile…tights, cape
and mask…Batman set out to win. Ka-Crash! Ka-Bam! Ka-Pow!
It’s time for the
NFL to show the courage of the Holy Crusader. Using the same
ingenuity and strategizing needed to create a winning two-minute
drill, the good Commissioner needs to take charge. Out with the
“disappointment” and in with the “indignation.” Raise a little
ruckus, Paul. You and all your friends, get rowdy to tonight.
BANG! SLAM! POW*!#/*
Holy indignation,
Batman! Can you believe a league of grown men in tights can’t solve
this problem? You can’t?
Well…neither can
we.
