Kelly and Dane
spent the day in furniture stores picking out the perfect leather
couch for their new apartment. They are in love. They are moving
in together. And they are not married.
“It’s not that
we’re against marriage, but we’re just not ready for it,” says
Dane. “It’s a big commitment.”
Kelly nods in
agreement. “We saw both of our parents get divorced. We love each
other, and we’re talking about getting married. But we don’t want
to go through the pain of a divorce.”
Even as Americans
are voting to affirm the special estate of marriage between a man
and a woman, our children are having a hard time saying “I do.”
Instead, like Kelly and Dane, many are taking their “love” for a
“test drive,” trying to find out if it is the “marriage kind of
love.” They are kicking the tires before they buy.
The theory is
that if they live together, they will be able to test their
relationship before they make the serious lifelong commitment of
marriage. If everything works out, if they get along, then they can
always get married. If not, then they can just divide the
furniture, decide who keeps the apartment, and go their separate
ways. No harm done.
According to the National Marriage Project, about 60 percent of
young adults in America say they plan to live together before
marriage. These high levels of cohabitation have given researchers a
solid base of data to compare cohabitation with marriage. The
results of their studies should give Kelly and Dane reason to pause
before signing the lease on their apartment.
Dr. Bill Maier sums up the findings. “Research indicates that
couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50 percent higher divorce
rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of
domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual
affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high
probability that the man will leave the relationship within two
years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.”
There are many
factors to explain this. But the most important has to do with the
big “C.” Commitment.
Commitment is
more than a feeling. It is an intentional decision. It is choosing
to love…in good times and bad. The commitment of marriage is a
willingness to step into the future, to face unknown challenges, to
give unconditional love, to set one’s personal goals into a joint
plan alongside the needs and goals of another person. If it sounds
like a big deal, it is.
Cohabitation, on
the other hand, is based almost entirely on feelings. It is a hope
and a dream…with a preplanned exit strategy. It’s a little deal
because the promise exchanged is a little promise. “I will stay
with you until we’re not in love…until it gets hard…until I don’t
want to stay with you.”
When couples plan
to marry, they must face the big “C”. They must have a clear
understanding of what they are willing and able to give each
other….today… tomorrow…for as long as they both shall live.
Cohabitation short circuits the process, fulfilling sexual desires
and intermingling finances, allowing the couple to avoid the kind of
soul-searching and mutual honesty needed to lay the solid foundation
for a marriage.
As quaint as it sounds, traditional old-fashioned dating and
courtship was a safe time for couples. It reserved sex for the
future and allowed them to focus on learning about each other. It
was an intentional time of planning for marriage, where the couple
sought out advice from friends and counselors. And if marriage did
not result, heartbreak was not compounded with the burden of
breaking up a household.
While the initial plan for Kelly and Dane is to “try it out,” it
will be a very short time before one of them will begin to long for
the safety and security of a permanent commitment. The big “C”…it
always makes its appearance. And when it does, Kelly and Dane will
have a lot at stake. The surprising experience most couples face in
cohabitation is that the pain of “breaking up” can be every bit as
intense as divorce.
Please, Dane and
Kelly. Think it over. Kicking the tires…good strategy for cars.
Bad idea for people.
