It was a
shocking statement to hear my friend Joan say, “I personally don’t
think sex education is comprehensive enough.” But she made perfect
sense.
“Comprehensive” has come to mean “condoms and birth control” in
debates about sex education. Comprehensive sex educators insist on
the necessity of demonstrating condoms and instructing students on
birth control. But condoms and birth control were the last thing on
Joan’s mind.
She has spent
years counseling women who sought her out to deal with the negative
consequences of their abortions. Their pain is easy for her to
understand. At the age of 19, over twenty years ago, Joan had an
abortion, too.
“I was a
college freshman when I got pregnant,” she recalls, “and my
boyfriend insisted that I have an abortion. He wanted to finish
school and we would get married after that. I gave in to his
desires.”
Like so many
young women today, Joan thought love was the focus of their
relationship. “I thought we were in love….I wasn’t disturbed by the
pregnancy at all. I was excited about it. I really wanted the
baby, but he put pressure on me….I didn’t want to lose him.”
Isolated at
the time, relying on her boyfriend’s advice, Joan had the abortion.
Only later, after severe medical complications arose, did her
parents find out. But more important to Joan were the severe
emotional consequences.
Her boyfriend
was unable to handle her emotions and took Joan to see his family
psychiatrist. “His psychiatrist told me that he couldn’t see any
reason for my depression and my grief and my regret…that I had done
the right thing and I needed to get over it and get on with my
life.” Only two months after the abortion performed for his sake,
her boyfriend left.
Not a
religious person at the time, and unaware of fetal development, Joan
still felt extreme shame and guilt. “I knew that I was pregnant
with a baby I wanted. And immediately afterwards, I knew that that
baby…I would never hold that baby.”
Eventually,
Joan married and became the mother of two children. Her life then
was filled with “triggers,” moments when her abortion would come to
life, and emotions would flood her. “When our son was born, I just
looked at him and thought, “He’s not your first child. He’s your
second. And your first you gave back. You don’t deserve this
one.”
Striving to
become the perfect, loving mother and to reclaim the pain of her
abortion, she began working at a local crisis pregnancy center. It
was there where, working over eight years with pregnant moms and
women who had had abortions, Joan found healing. She learned she
was not alone. Her experiences of abandonment, shame and guilt were
common among other post-abortive women.
Joan looks at
sex education today and criticizes the failure to discuss the
obvious…the pregnant elephant in the room. “I don’t believe they
talk about the consequences strongly enough.” Condoms have a
pregnancy failure rate for teens of approximately 22%. “I believe,”
Joan says, “that if abortion is talked about as a possible
consequence to sexual activity. Kids might make a different choice
about becoming sexually active.”
Even when
abortion is discussed, Joan points out, “It’s been sugar-coated…
‘This is nothing more than a very simple, quick medical procedure,
probably not as traumatic as having a tooth pulled.’”
While some
educators have begun to change their rhetoric, Joan is quick to
challenge their fence-sitting. “Either it is a horrible
heart-wrenching difficult decision with all of the implications of
that, with the emotional damage and the reality of what it does to
the child…or it is simpler than having a tooth pulled. Which is
it?”
Coupled with
the lack of comprehensive discussions about abortions, sex educators
offer almost no information on fetal development. Over 138,000
abortions were performed in 2001 on women age 19 and under according
to the Centers for Disease Control.
Often facing
an abortion decision in isolation, teens may lack true knowledge
about the stage of development of their baby. Years later, when
pregnant with a child they will keep and with intimate knowledge of
fetal development, they often experience a delayed and traumatic
reaction to their abortion.
Joan speaks
openly about abortion these days. And she calls others to do the
same. There is a pregnant elephant in the room, and we need to
start talking openly about what to do with it.
The next time
an educator promotes comprehensive sex education to you, ask them if
they present the harmful consequences of abortion to young people.
Ask them if they teach young people about the development of a baby
in the womb. And if they don’t, ask them, “Why not?”
Joan is
right. If we’re going to be comprehensive, it’s time to start
discussing the pregnant elephant.
